爱情36问——周博士亲密关系学习随笔(3)
在肝几个paper deadlines的中途，本来突发奇想开写了一篇《小两口吵架指南》来喜迎情人节和元宵节（咕咕咕）。但在复习《沟通的艺术》一书时，于371页瞥见了名为《如何坠入爱河》的小短文。一番搜索之后觉得颇为有趣，就此跑偏来给大家分享。
那篇小短文讲了个为生活忙乱的现代人所渴望的故事：两个人只需花45分钟回答36个设计好的问题，之后再对视4分钟，便可快速拉近距离、增进好感，甚至爱上对方。
作者Mandy Len Catron就是这样陷入了爱河，然后在2015年初于纽约时报发表了这篇爆款小短文，并于几个月后在TED上给了名为Falling in love is the easy part的演讲。如今中文互联网上也能找到这篇短文的各种翻译、诠释和讨论，《生活大爆炸》里Sheldon和Penny也进行了这个实验，甚至油管上还有相应的相亲连续剧Tea For Two来展示不同陌生人间对这36个问题的反应。
这所谓的“爱情36问”本并不是设计来让人相恋的，而是增进大学生间的友谊。其设计来源于学术论文The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings (Arthor Aron等人1997年发表在Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin上)。用作者的话来说，通过“持续的、逐步深入的、交互的、人格的自我表露”过程可以产生人与人之间的亲密感。简而言之，这36问可以用在家人朋友熟人陌生人之间，围绕着人生阅历、喜好、价值观、未来期许一步步让人敞开心扉、增进互相了解。
话不多说，感兴趣的读者可以自行一试。首先两人确保至少有45分钟的时间来回答36个问题。这36个问题分为三组，每组12个问题耗时15分钟，两人轮流交替各回答一个问题。这三组问题一组比一组深入，建议给每组问题留差不多的时间。
第一组问题：
1. 如果可以在世界上所有人中任意选择，你想邀请谁共进晚餐？Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. 你想出名吗？想以什么方式出名？Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. 打电话之前你会先排练一下要说什么吗？为什么？Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. 对你来说，“完美”的一天是什么样的？What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. 你上次自己唱起歌来是在什么时候？给别人唱呢？When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. 如果你能活到90岁，同时人生后60年可以一直保持30岁时的心智或身体，你会选择保持哪一种呢，心智还是身体？If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. 你是否曾对自己的死法有某种莫名的预感？Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. 说出三件你和对方似乎有的共同之处。Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. 人生中的什么最令你感激？For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. 如果你能改变被抚养成人过程中的一件事，会是哪一件？If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. 花四分钟时间，尽可能详细地告诉对方你的人生经历。Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. 如果你明天一觉醒来就能拥有某种特质或能力，你希望那会是什么呢？If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
第二组问题：
13. 如果有一个水晶球可以告诉你关于自己、人生，未来乃至任何事情的真相，你会想知道吗？If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. 有没有一件事是你早就梦想着要做，却一直没有做的？为什么还没有做？Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. 你人生中最大的成就是什么？What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. 在一段友谊之中你最珍视的是什么？What do you value most in a friendship?
17. 你最宝贵的记忆是什么？What is your most treasured memory?
18. 你最糟糕的记忆是什么？What is your most terrible memory?
19. 假如你知道自己在一年内就会突然死去，你会改变现在的生活方式吗？为什么？If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. 友谊对于你来说意味着什么？What does friendship mean to you?
21. 爱与情感在你生活中扮演着什么样的角色？What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. 轮流说出心目中对方的一个好品质，每人说五条。Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. 你的家人之间关系有多亲密和温暖？你觉得自己的童年比大多数人更快乐吗？How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. 你如何看待自己和母亲之间的关系？How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
第三组问题：
25. 每人用“我们”造三个真实的陈述句，比如“我们俩在屋子里，感觉……” Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. 补全这个句子：“我希望能有个人，和TA分享……” Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. 如果你想和对方成为亲近的朋友，请告诉对方有什么重要的事情是TA需要知道的。If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
28. 告诉对方你喜欢TA身上什么地方，请诚实地说些你不会对萍水之交说的话。Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. 和对方分享人生中那些尴尬的时刻。Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. 你上次在别人面前哭是什么时候？自己哭呢？When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. 告诉对方，你已经喜欢上了TA身上的什么品质。Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. 你觉得什么东西是严肃到不能开玩笑的，假如有的话？What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. 如果你今晚就要死，再没机会与别人交流，你最后悔没说出什么话？为什么还没说出口？If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. 有你全部家当的房子着了火，救出家人和宠物之后，现在你还有时间最后安全地冲进去抢救一件东西。你会抢救什么？为什么？Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. 你的家人中，谁去世了会最令你难过？为什么？Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. 分享一个私人问题，询问TA的建议，听听对方将如何处理这个问题。另外，也要让对方如实告诉你，在TA眼中你对于这个问题的感受是怎样的。Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Ok，你们现在可以开始找个舒服的地方互相对视4分钟了 :D
最后用Mandy自己的话作为结束吧：
爱情没有偶然发生在我们身上，我们相爱是因为彼此选择了爱上对方。
选择爱一个人，也希望TA能爱我；这就是惊心动魄的爱。